Bum Reviews: The Land Before Time
by Charles Xavier
Summary: Everyone's favorite homeless guy reviews the very first movie that sparked the whole LBT series.


Author's Note: TLBT belongs to Universal Studios and Chester A. Bum belongs to Douglas Walker (aka That Guy with the Glasses) respectfully. No profit is being made out of this work.

…

_And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum._

_Tonight's review:_

_**The Land Before Time**_

…

"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! There's this long-necked dinomasaur, called Littlefoot, and he looks a lot like Dink, the Little Dinomasaur!"

"Except he's black…no, make that grey…or brown."

"So which one actually came first, Dink or Littlefoot? Oh, of course, Dink, because 'D' comes before 'L' in alphabetical order."

"DUH!"

"So Littlefoot's mother tells him that all the dinomasaurs are off searching for this Utopian paradise called the Great Valley, where they're safe from every danger, they have endless amounts of food to eat and everyone gets along so well with each other."

"Kind of sounds like the homeless shelter I visit every Sunday…or is that a church?"

"So it turns out that all these dinomasaurs hold a great deal of prejudice against each other. There's this Triceramatops, called Cera, and she REALLY hates Littlefoot because he's got a LONG neck, or is it because he's black…or grey…or brown…?"

"Littlefoot's all like-"

"_Hey! You wanna come play with me?"_

"And Cera's like-"

"_No. Piss off, Longneck!_"

"I'm pretty sure it's his color."

"But then one day, this HUGE Tyrannomasaurus Rex comes along and tries to eat them both. Littlefoot's mother saves them and gets pretty badly wounded. But after that, this HUGE earthquake occurs and it's chaos and all the dinomasaurs get separated!"

"So Littlefoot's with his dying mother, and she asks him-"

"_Do you know the way to the Great Valley?"_

"And Littlefoot's like-"

"_Um, I think so."_

"And his mother's like-"

"_Okay… ugh!"_

"Then Littlefoot's like-"

"_MOTHER!"_

"So he has to travel all alone to the Great Valley. And along the way, he gets all hungry and delusional. He starts licking rocks, he thinks his mother's his own shadow and he actually hears leaves talking to him!"

"I hear leaves talking to me too! They hang around in parks and sound SO adorable! We sing, we dance, we laugh, we cry together…I once even slept in a bed full of leaves. And yes, I eat them too. The green ones are extra tender in the summer and the brown ones are especially crispy during fall."

"So Littlefoot bumps into Cera and he asks her-"

"_Hey, you wanna find the Great Valley together with me?"_

"And Cera's like-"

"_No. Piss off, Longneck!"_

"It's definitely his color."

"Then Littlefoot meets this other little dinomasaur with a HUGE mouth called Ducky, who can swim but doesn't look anything like a duck! Well, at least she's not like those other pompous ducks we have today, sitting on their nests, quacking away, thinking they own the waters."

"You don't know me, ducks! You don't know anything about me!"

"DUUUUCKS!"

"Whoa, I have issues."

"So Ducky and Littlefoot meet this friend called Petrie, but he doesn't look anything like a pea or a tree! He looks more like a malnourished, mutated, hairless squirrel…that's afraid to fly! I was once afraid to fly in a magical trashcan I used to sleep in. But when I conquered that fear, I travelled to SO MANY wonderful places beyond my wildest dreams: McDonaldland, Rainbow Land, Care-a-lot, Sesame Street, Neverland, Disneyland…"

"…or was that all just a crack fantasy?"

"So after bumping into Cera again, Ducky finds ANOTHER friend to join them on their long journey ahead. This one's a Stegomasaurus called Spike, and he looks like one of Jabba the Hutt's green fat turds! Did I also mention that he has a HUGE appetite? I once had an appetite so huge that I devoured all of the boxes I lived in."

"And I'm not afraid to do it again."

"So the five of them avoid a Tyrannomasaurus on their tail, they climb lots and lots of high mountains, they pass by a string of volcanoes, until Cera finally looses it and argues with Littlefoot. She even goes to GREAT lengths by calling Littlefoot's mother stupid!"

"GASP!"

"Littlefoot's like-"

"_Take that back!"_

"And Cera's like-"

"_No. Piss off, Longneck!"_

"Just what does she have against his color anyway? Does she really think Littlefoot's that BLACK? She could be a top candidate for the Ku Klux Klan!"

"But they don't accept Threehorns."

"So the group disbands and Littlefoot goes off on his own, while the rest follow Cera. But Ducky, Spike and Petrie get into a whole lot of trouble with steaming lava and an inescapable tar pit! Fortunately, Littlefoot takes enough balls to come their rescue!"

"HOORAY!"

"Then they disguise themselves as a tar monster, looking like one of Swamp Thing's giant tar pit cousins, and they scare the living crap out of Cera, leaving her defenseless and humiliated."

"HOORAY!"

"After that's all over, Littlefoot and his friends encounter the Tyrannomasaurus again! And this time, they decide to finish it off by drowning it into the sea with a HUGE rock. My father drowned in the sea with a huge rock too."

"I think he was in love with it. So I've decided when I get a good job and a nice house, first thing I'm gonna do is marry a huge rock!"

"So with a little help from Cera, our friends defeat the evil Tyrannomasaurus and continue along on their journey!"

"But then Littlefoot starts hallucinating and envisions a puff of smoke in the form of his mother. And the puff of smoke leads him straight to the Great Valley, where all the little dinomasaurs are happily reunited with their families and relatives at long last."

"Seriously, just what kind of drugs did Littlefoot take anyway during this whole movie? No wonder he was so depressed when his mother died. Think about it, he acted so abnormally. He was licking rocks, talking to shadows, hearing voices from leaves and saw visions of his mother in the shapes of clouds!"

"Poor soul."

"Come to think of it, I bet the Great Valley is just one whole big hallucination! Everybody just looks too happy at the end. Now I know why the dinomasaurs became extinct: they all took drugs!"

"But that's not the important point here. The important point is that it doesn't matter what color, what race, what species or what background you're from. If we all work together and work out our differences, we can all live happily ever after in peace and harmony."

"Who's with me?"

Silence.

"Fine! Laugh at my moral message! I try to make this world a better place and this is what I get in repayment? They laughed at Barney the Dinosaur and now look where he's at!"

"Actually, where is he at?"

"WHERE'S BARNEY THE DINOSAUR?!"

"BARNEY! BARNEY, WHERE ARE YOU?!"

"This is Chester A. Bum saying...CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE?! AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA?! COME ON, CHANGE!"

**Seriously though, 'The Land Before Time' ROCKED!**

"You can help me find Barney. I think he was taken by the evil ducks again. Those evil mother-quackers are up to no good!"


End file.
